Narrator:
Back in the days when legends were live
And fairy folk wandered round free
There once was a king and his beautiful queen
And a frog in a pond called Clive ...

er.. the frog I mean, he was called Clive.
Not the pond, that would be silly ...
the pond was called Samantha.

Anyway,
The King and the Queen so happy they were
In their fairy tale home on a hill
Some called it a castle some called it a palace
I usually called it Bill. 

Their days they were peaceful all sweetness and light
All gentle and tranquil and calm
Their days were one long holiday
And horribly, horribly dull!



SCENE 1 - THE PALACE

King: I’m bored, bored, bored, bored ...... (Dozes off, reawakens) I'm bored, bored.

Queen: I know dear, you just said that.

King: I know but I’m bored ..

Queen: Don't start that again. There's lots of exciting things to do. The decorators are doing the back parlour, you could go and watch the paint dry. (King groans)
I understand some beans are sprouting in the palace garden, you could watch them grow. (King groans)
What about the television, there's Eastenders and Emmerdale and .... (King nods off gain, then wakes up)

King: No I want something exciting to happen, a riot a revolution maybe. or perhaps a natural disaster: an earthquake or flood or volcano

Queen: I’ve got it more exciting than all of those things put together! A baby!!

King: A what?
Queen: You know a baby, pink little squirmy thing, arms and legs screams a lot.

King: Hmmm, that certainly sounds exciting enough, where can we get one? (They sit in silence)

Queen: I know, I'll go and ask Clive.

King: Who?

Queen: You know, Clive the frog, I'll go and see him now.

(The Queen makes her way over to the lily pond)

Oh Clive! Clive the frog, are you there? Co-eee, oh there you are. (She picks up the frog and shakes the water or him)
Now Clive, where do ...

Scientist: (Enters in a white coat with clip hoard) Now stop this! It's ridiculous.
Everyone here knows .. that frogs can't talk. Besides the shoulder girdle in the Anura is made of three parts of while the coracoid (clavicula) and procoracoid are knit together onto the cartilaginous epicoracoid. In those with a movable breast bone the epicoracoid forms broad balanced plates of cartilage whilst, remarkably, in the fermisterna the epicoracoid merges into a single longitudinal strip ..

( The scientist is removed by two guards. Exit King and Queen)


Narrator: Anyway,
The time it flies by in pantomime land
And the queen has a baby, Oh joy!
The royal physicians all crowd round to look
Thank goodness, it isn't a boy,

What a poppet, a treasure a beautiful thing
She's everyone's favourite child
But she hasn't a name which will make life hard
 When it comes to tile Christening.

Well they can't call her Samantha or folk will get her mixed up with the pond!



SCENE 2 - THE PALACE



(The King staggers in with a huge load of nappies etc.)



The King: Maybe an earthquake would have been easier

The Queen: (Following him in with the baby) Nonsense. Now sit down and talk to me. (The King makes great play of unloading everything onto his throne then looking for somewhere to sit)

Now we are going to have to make up our minds what to call this child, we can't call her "Pink little squirmy thing with arms and legs who screams a lot" for the rest of her life, just imagine what would happen when she went to school.

Peter. Here Miss
Andrew, Here Miss
Sandra, Here Miss
Pink little squirmy thing ....

King: Yes, yes, I get the point, but how are we going to choose? There are so many names.

Queen: We'll have a competition, call together everyone in the palace to make a suggestion and we'll pick the one we like best.

King: Excellent idea my dear.(Turns to prime minister) Prime Minister organise it, and no sleaze mind!

(Everyone lines up and takes it in turn to suggest a suitable silly name. Someone who suggests Rumpelstiltskin is thrown out for being in the wrong pantomime!)

Queen: That was a terrible selection is that everyone? (The postman enters)

Postman: Morning everyone. What a lovely baby. Now that's what I call a beauty.

Queen: That's it, (pointing to postman) that's what we'll call her!

King: What Postman?

Queen: No you idiot, Beauty! (Everyone cheers and claps)

King: Well. that's that then. now we can go ahead and organise the christening. Who shall we invite?

Queen: We must make a list. Prime minister, pencil and paper!
(The prime minister goes over to the scientist who is sitting at the side scribbling notes and removes his clip board and delivers it to the queen.)
Thank you, now let me see ... There's Pat and Trudy and Bob and Wilma and Aunt Edna and Clive the frog and the postman .....

King: (getting excited) ... and Cindy and Barbie, Batman and Robin, the entire cast of Eastenders, Rumpelstiltskin .. (Everyone has turned to look at him menacingly) Oh ... I'm sorry ... wrong pantomime eh? (they all nod.)

P.M.: (Coughing) Then there's the fairies.

King: Sorry?

P.M.: Yes sire, the fairies.

King: Ah them. Do we have too?

Queen: What's the matter with them?

King: Have you seen them recently?

Queen: Well not since .. Look we have to have them along, It's traditional, they'll bring magical gifts and things and if we don't invite them what will happen to the story? Everyone will be at home and in bed by eight o'clock!

Butler: (Pushing to the front) But your majesties, there's the problem of the plates .. You see they only eat off gold plates! (Everyone looks amazed)
It's EU regulation 4332/19b, Fairies must consume food on or off retail premises from gold plates
.... and we've only got three,
... and there's four fairies.

P.M.:  Couldn't they share?

Scientist: (with calculator in hand) Well, assuming the numerator to be three and the divisor four we reach a solution of 1.33333 .. (He is dragged off by guards)

King: In that case um ... let's just invite three of them

Queen: Yes. but which three?

(Everyone wanders off looking thoughtful)


SCENE 3 - THE GOOD FAIRIES' COTTAGE

(Enter the fairies in dressing gowns clutching their invitations)

1st Fairy: Oh goody, an invitation to the Royal Christening.

2nd. Fairy: And there's going to be a ball afterwards.

3rd. Fairy: Oh hooray, I haven't been to ball for almost two years. The last time was when I took that girl Cinderella, you wouldn't believe the trouble I had getting her there, I had to ..

1st. Fairy: We know, we know

2nd. Fairy: We're still paying the insurance bill on that carriage.

1st. Fairy: The main question is, What shall I wear?

2nd. Fairy: Well I don't know.

3rd. Fairy: I'm worrying about what I wear, not what you wear.

1st. Fairy: Yellow!

2nd. Fairy: Blue!

3rd. Fairy: Pink!

1st. Fairy: Look, you wear what you want to wear and I’ll wear what I want to wear.

Others: Right! (They exit and come back moments later in boots and tutus. )

3rd. Fairy: At least we know what to wear now.

2nd. Fairy: (Spinning around) I feel pretty, Oh so pretty. (First Fairy trips her up)

Oh no! I've laddered my tights now!

1st. Fairy: Well I've got some spare ones.

2nd. Fairy: But they're purple!

3rd. Fairy: Well they'll match your eyes then,
1st. Fairy: At least they're something,

1st. Fairy: Yes!

2nd. Fairy: OK, I'll wear them (Holds out hand)

1st. Fairy: Right, off you go and get them.

2nd. Fairy; No!

1st. Fairy: Yes!

2nd. Fairy; No!

2nd. Fairy; No!

1st. Fairy: Yes!

3rd. Fairy: I'II go and get them.

Others: Go on then but make it snappy!

3rd. Fairy: I can't find them.

1st. Fairy: I'll get them ..

2nd. Fairy: No, I will!

1st. Fairy: I will!

2nd. Fairy: I will!

1st. Fairy: I will!

2nd. Fairy: I will!

3rd. Fairy: I've found them, here you are.

2nd. Fairy: Thank you, I'll go and change.

1st. Fairy: The taxi won't be here till nine o'clock, turn on the TV we can watch Eastenders.

3rd. Fairy: Shh... It's starting ..

2nd. Fairy: (Bustling in) What are you doing sitting around?
We haven't put our make up on yet! (Panic!)

3rd. Fairy: I'll record Eastenders and come over in a minute.

( They start to make themselves up.)

1st. Fairy: Can I have the lipstick?

2nd. Fairy: No, I'll do your lips after mine. (They start messing around.)

3rd. Fairy: What's going on? (angrily)

Others: (Instantly) Nothing.

3rd. Fairy: Nothing will come of nothing, speak again!

1st. Fairy: Er... I'm putting on my jewellery.

2nd. Fairy: I'll put on my mascara.

3rd. Fairy: Well I'II put on my lipstick.

1st Fairy: I'll powder my face.

2nd. Fairy: I'll do my hair.

3rd. Fairy: I'll put on my fake beauty spot, by the way the TV's bust!

1st. Fairy: Never mind let's read a book while we are waiting. (They select books)
I'll read "Money the Easy Way" by Robin Banks.

2nd. Fairy: I'll read "Insulting People is Fun" by U.R.A. Twit.
3rd. Fairy: I'll read "A Lifetime in Boxing" by I.C. Stars

All: I've had enough of reading.

2nd. Fairy: Let’s fix the TV, I'll get the screwdriver.

1st. Fairy: Well we don't need all these wires, I'll pull them out.

3rd. Fairy: 0h no! It wasn't plugged in!

2nd. Fairy: What are we going to do about Eastenders?

2nd. Fairy: Let’s phone the Tooth Fairy and see if she's recorded it
Hello, It's me. Did you record Eastenders? Yes, yes, no, no, yes, no, yes, yes, yes, no, no, yes, no. (Puts down phone)
She said no.

(There is a hooting outside)

All: It’s the taxi, let's go! (Exit)



SCENE 4 - THE BAD FAIRY'S COTTAGE


Bad Fairy: Oh, this will be a wicked spell (She laughs)
Dead dog's eyes into the cauldron, bubble, bubble
Intestines of a hedgehog squashed on the road, urn, urn
A nice big dollop of cat sick
A few juicy bogies and most disgusting of all
Tesco's own brand Cola,

(The door bell rings)

Who is that? I hate being interrupted when I'm cooking. (She shouts) Mavis answer the door.

Mavis: What was the question?

Bad Fairy: There's someone at the door.

Mavis: (She opens the door) It's only the postman, he's delivering invitations to everyone.

Bad Fairy: What? Invitations? You postman, come here!

Postman: Um er yes your wickedness, Can I help you your badness?

Bad Fairy: Haven't you forgotten something?

Postman: Do I have to? (She points and he kisses the ground in front of her, then keels over at the smell)

Phew, your feet smell.

Bad Fairy: Yes they do don't they. (She sniffs deeply) hum .. bliss. Now let's get straight to the point, what are you delivering?
(he holds out an envelope with shaking hand).
Well give it to me then, (She opens an envelope)
But it's empty!

Postman: That's because they don't want you to come your smelliness. (the postman exits at a run)

Bad Fairy: How dare they not invite me, I've got to think of an evil plan.

Mavis: Oh goody, goody, goody (She rubs her hands together and jumps up and down)

Bad Fairy: Mavis. (She stops) Shut up. An evil wicked vicious cruel and heartless plan.

Mavis: Yes, yes. We could, we could ... sneak into the party and pop all their balloons.

Bad Fairy: Mavis!

Mavis: We could ... knock on the palace door and run away before they come to answer it!

Bad fairy: Mavis!!

Mavis: No we could, we could, I've got it we creep into the kitchens and put worms in the spaghetti!

Bad fairy: Mavis!!! Shut up, I’m trying to think. I've got it!

Mavis: Tell me! Tell me!!

Bad Fairy: Why should I tell you? You'll only ruin it.

Mavis: (Bowing to the floor) Please, please, please.

Bad Fairy: Oh very well. I'm going to gate crash the party and put a curse on the princess. When she reaches the age of sixteen and is loved by the entire kingdom she will prick her finger on a spindle and die!

Mavis: Oh! That's nice ( disappointedly) but what about my plan could we ...

Bad Fairy: Just come with me numbskull. (They exit)



SCENE 5 - THE ROYAL KITCHENS


Chef: Right you half witted bunch of no-hopers come here and come here now! (They gather round) Where IS Jamie?

Assistant I: He's working for Sainsburys now chef.

Chef: Never mind! Now despite the fact that if you practised hard for the next ten years you'd hardly be able to boil an egg we are about to prepare a banquet fit for a king, in fact it is for the king. Do you understand?

All: (They mumble) Yes chef.

Chef: What did you say!

All: (Smartly) Yes Chef

Chef: That's better. Now if you want to avoid having your ears minced and then stuffed lip your horrible little noses you will listen carefully.

All: Yes Chef!

Chef: Now here's the menu, carefully planned out with all of my usual genius.

All: Yes Chef!

Chef: For starter Liver and grated turnip in rich chocolate sauce (A couple reply "Yes Chef" run off and get started)

For main course beef and octopus pancakes with plums (Two more shout "Yes Chef" and run off)

And for dessert my masterpiece, the crowning moment of my whole career... custard pie!

(Speaks to the last two) Now I want you to get the mixture ready while I go and see to the wine.

Assistant 1: Yes Chef. Now we need flour, eggs, water. Get me a mixing bowl.

Assistant 2: Why should I do what you say, you're not Chef.

Assistant 1: Just do it, if this mixture isn't ready by the time chef gets back we'll be on the menu not just reading it!

Assistant 2: Ok, I'm on my way. bowl .. eggs ... water. (The predictable chaos results)

Someone: Chef's Coming! (Everyone freezes)

Assistant 1: What are we going to do?

Assistant 2; Come on get all this mess into the bowl.

Chef: Right, I'm back you miserable shower, now, where's my pie mix?

All: Here Chef! (They put it on his head and run off)



SCENE 6 – OUTSIDE THE PALACE

(Enter the Good Fairies)

1st. Fairy: That's the last time I use that taxi, he didn't even bring us up to the front door.

2nd. Fairy: Perhaps it was because you told him we didn't have any money to pay him.

1st. Fairy: Pay him! He was lucky I didn't turn his taxi into a Toyota.

3rd. Fairy: It was a Toyota, that's why it took three hours to get here now hurry up or we'll miss them cutting the cake

2nd. Fairy: I'll knock on the door. (The butler opens it)

Butler: Ah! Our fairy guests, may I say ladies how enchantingly beautifully gorgeous you look tonight,

3rd. Fairy: Us?

1st. Fairy: It's alright, my lipstick looked a bit smeared so I cast an "Aren't we beautiful" spell over him.

(Exit the Good Fairies, enter the Bad Fairy and Mavis)

Mavis: (Peering ahead) Isn't that?

Bad Fairy: Never mind them, just look at the state I’m in.
I don't know what got into that taxi driver, anyone would think he had something against fairies .. he's in for a nasty shock when that, "Turn your taxi into a Toyota" spell hits him.

Mavis: But wasn't it already a ... never mind, how do we get in without an invitation?

Bad Fairy: Easy, I use my special invisibility spell now follow me.

Mavis: I'm trying, I'm trying, but where are you? (To the audience) Where's she gone?
Audience: She's behind you! (The bad fairy kicks her and they fumble towards the entrance and knock then slip around the Butler when he opens the door.)



SCENE 7 – THE PALACE BALLROOM


King: Um, I must say that that Liver and octopus pie with custard was um ...

Queen: Unusual? Prime Minister, sack the Chef.

P.M.: With pleasure your Majesty. (Disappears trying not to be sick in his handkerchief)

King: Well I suppose we had better have some entertainment next.
Where's that dratted butler?

Butler: Here sire (Still sighing over the good fairies good looks!)


Queen: What's on tonight? (Butler announces the performers, they perform.)

King: Well that's enough of that, what's next?

Butler: The fairy gifts your Majesty. (He turns and simpers)

King: Right bring on the fairies.

Butler: It is, your majesties my very very great pleasure to introduce three of the most gorgeously radiantly beautiful creatures ever to have graced my poor unworthy eyeballs, Delightfully lovely ladies whose physical perfection shines like the sun .. ( Everyone turns to look at the fairies then at the butler with increasing disbelief)

3rd. Fairy: I rather think you've overdone the" Aren't we beautiful" spell.

1st. Fairy: Oh no I haven't.

(Audience provoked into roaring "Oh yes you have" the cast turn and stare at them.)

Never mind, come on you two. (She leads them forward) Your Majesties we will use our magical powers to give the princess some very special gifts, now I've got our catalogue here somewhere.

Scientist: Now just pause it there, this is absolutely ridiculous. There is not a single shred of scientific evidence for the existence of any kind of magical powers. You three could no more work magic than you could ... you could .. er.. turn me into a talking frog called Clive. (The good fairies look at him then together cast a spell)

Scientist: (Crouching down and hopping away) Rabbit. rabbit, hello my name's Clive, rabbit, rabbit, my name's ... 

2nd. Fairy: Isn't that going to upset the real Clive?

1st. Fairy:  don't suppose so, it will wear off after a few minutes. Now let's get on with giving the gifts. Oh princess you will become brainier than ( name of current celebnrity 1)

2nd. Fairy: 0h princess, you will become more musical than  ( name of current celebnrity 2)

3rd. Fairy: 0h princess, you will become prettier than ( name of current celebnrity 3)

Mavis: Oh princess, you will become smellier than  ( name of current unpopular celebnrity

All: Who said that? Who said that? (the Bad Fairy kicks Mavis hard)

King: I'm sorry to interrupt but didn't we have that joke in 1992?

Queen: Don’t interrupt! Now its time for the cake ..

Bad Fairy: Not so fast queeny. (She re-appears!) Try and not invite us would you?

King: Well, there is that little problem with your feet...

Bad Fairy: Shut up! Now listen to my terrible and fearful revenge. When the princess reaches the age of sixteen years she will prick her finger on a spindle and… (The postman enters staggering a little)

Postman: Um, my that pie was good. I had fourteen helpings and I could sleep for a hundred years.

Bad Fairy: Sleep for a hundred years? What? Oh drat drat drat!

King: Guards, guards, have these two thrown out of the palace.

Mavis: (As they are bundled away) I told you worms in the spaghetti would have been much better. ...

King: What a funny way to end a party. Oh well never mind. (He gets up to leave) By the way exactly what is a spindle?


INTERVAL

Narrator: So sixteen years have just gone by
As you must now suppose
Beauty's gone and grown a lot
And so has her younger sister Rose

Now Rose it not a pleasant child
She never had the fairy gifts
She's fairly spoilt and not too bright
And Beauty leaves her miffed

Oops, here she comes



SCENE 8 - A ROOM IN THE PALACE

(Enter Rose and the Bad Fairy)

Rose: What's that funny smell?

Bad Fairy: Never you mind, now pay attention, here take this.

Rose: What is it?

Bad Fairy: It's a spindle.

Rose: So that's what a spindle looks like.

Bad Fairy: After your father discovered what a spindle was he had every single one in the kingdom hunted down and destroyed, I had to go to Milton Keynes for this one. Now today's your sister's sixteen birthday, give this to her as a present, she will prick her finger on it and (covering her mouth) fall asleep.

Rose: I beg your pardon?

Bad Fairy: (Exasperated) I said fall asleep.

Rose: That’s not exactly terrible is it? What about turning her into a slug or making her nose fall off or even ....  killing her?

Bad Fairy: It's a long story, but she will sleep for a hundred years, think of all those episodes of Eastenders she's going to miss. Now get on with it, you want to get your own back on her for being so ... beautiful don't you?

(Rose goes over to wrap the spindle)

Mavis, where are you?

Mavis: Here I am

Bad Fairy: Have you locked the doors so everyone in this miserable dump of a palace will fall under the influence of my spell?

Mavis: I've locked all the doors and I’ve...

Bad Fairy: Give me the keys then and we'll slip out the back way.

Mavis: …thrown the keys out of the window so nobody can unlock them again.

Bad Fairy: But Mavis, we're on the inside ... We need to be on the outside. Oh no! Here comes Beauty (they run and hide)

Beauty: It's my birthday today sister dear.

Rose: Is it?

Beauty: Yes did you forget?

Rose: Not really, I was only joking. See, I've got a present for you, go on, open it, I told you I hadn't forgotten.

Beauty. Oh thank you, it's lovely. Er.. what is it?

Rose: It's a spindle .. you play with it, throw it from hand to hand you know, maybe balance it on the end of your finger.

Beauty: No, it's much too nice to play with like that, I know I'll put it safely here on my bedside table. Then I can look at it first thing every morning and think how much my dear sister loves me.

(Rose looks round desperately at the Bad Fairy)

Rose: (Mouthing) It's not working

(Beauty is bouncing gently on her bed with a vacant smile, Mavis is sent to get the scientist's white coat. the Bad fairy slips it on and makes an entrance.)

Bad Fairy: All, good morning, Government order, all princesses between the ages of fifteen and sixteen have to be immunised against measles.

Beauty: (Puzzled) But we haven't got a Government and…

Bad Fairy: Never mind about that, now roll up your sleeve (Groping behind her Rose gives her the spindle. The Bad Fairy jabs it into Beauty's arm)

Beauty: Hum, that didn't hurt a bit. but I do feel a little sleepy I'll just lie down for a minute.

Bad Fairy: Come on, let's get out of here!
(They try to run but sleep overcomes them The King Queen and others enter)

King: Happy Birthday my dear .... what, not up yet? S'funny (yawns) I feel a bit sleepy myself, any way why don't you ...

(He falls asleep with the rest of the court. The scientist reappears looking for his coat and puts it on)

Scientist: Of course it's quite ridiculous to suppose that anyone could sleep for a hundred years. the study of suspended animation is at a very early stage and even cryogenics has not come up with a completely sustainable system. Equally it's absurd to suppose that the normal processes of ageing and decay could be ... (He yawns and falls asleep)

Narrator: Well, I suppose that's it for hundred years, Last one out turn off the lights please.
(Settles down) ,

Oh and by the way, if . ( Name of current pop group) are still in the charts don't bother to wake me. (Sleeps)



SCENE 9 - THE GOOD FAIRIES

1st. Fairy: Well we made a mess of that.

2nd. Fairy: 0h come on, the last hundred years haven't been so bad

3rd. Fairy: (Holding up mess of wool) At least I've learned to knit.

2nd. Fairy: Anyway, isn't the time nearly up ?

1st Fairy: (Looking at watch) I suppose so.

3rd. Fairy: Well aren't we going to do anything about it?

2nd. Fairy: If you think I'm going to ladder my tights again going anywhere near that thorny hedge that's grown up round the palace you're mad!

3rd. Fairy: But we've got to do something, we arc the good fairies after all.

1st. Fairy: We need a plan ....

3rd. Fairy: I've got it.... knit one purl one look! I've got it.

2nd. Fairy: There's a spare prince in the neighbouring kingdom we could get him over I suppose.

1st Fairy: That's not a bad idea we just have to stop him being distracted on the way over, where's that invisibility spell?



SCENE 10 – PRINCE’S ROOM

(Prince is lounging about listening to music on his phone, he wears sunglasses and looks very cool. Enter Prince's best friend Alf.)

Alf: Hey man, you cool dude you're looking very er. .. cool... er ... for a dude I mean. Look do we have to keep talking like this.

Prince: I'm sorry Alf but we really have got to keep trying It's supposed to make me more popular with the er... kids on the block... er.. yo.
(worriedly) Did that sound right?
Alf: I don't know, where's that mutant hero ninja turtle video .. let's watch it again.

Prince: That's something else that worries me, I don't know if we are really well... up to date enough, in fact I'm fed up with trying to be cool (he throws off sunglasses) I'm a prince I should be ......
(One of the invisible fairies drops a brochure into his hand the prince flicks through it) off having adventures.
(Alf looks around) You know dragons, maidens that sort of thing.

AIf: Yo ... I'm sorry, I mean yes let's do it, it has to be better than sitting here reading back copies of "Skateboarders Weekly", "CB News", "Games for Your Sinclair Spectrum" and what's this, "Hula Hoop World"? How long will it take to pack? I mean how soon can we leave?

Prince: This is a pantomime isn't it?

AIf: I suppose so ...

Prince: Well I think we just do it. (Prince removes track suit to reveal prince's costume) I think that's all, let’s go.

Alf: I just didn't think it would be that easy ... (They make their way onto the highway)



SCENE 10 -ON THE ROAD

Prince: (Walking along) The trouble is adventures are a lot harder to find than you expect. Why we have been .. (they are interrupted by the appearance of seven dwarfs)

1st. Dwarf: Excuse me good sirs but you haven't come across a maiden by any chance, very tall… Weil about your height actually, red lips, skin as white as snow

Prince: Er... No

2nd. Dwarf: I told you we should have turned left by that Gingerbread house.

1st. Dwarf: What about a wrinkled old hag, spends a lot of time talking to a mirror? .

Prince: (Carefully) I don't think so.

3rd. Dwarf: She'll have turned herself back now come let's search round ... (sees the fairies waving to them) Who's that? Come on! After them!!

Prince: Well if you need any help chaps ... Oh, they've gone.

Alf: Come on let's push on.

Prince: Anyway, as I was saying it's much harder to get involved in anything really exciting ..

AIf: (Bending done) Your majesty, there is an old and curiously carved lamp lying down in the ditch here. Perhaps if we picked it up and polished it might be worth something.

Prince: Oh, for goodness sake Alf, we're looking for adventure here not collecting scrap metal Come on, Hello, who is this?

Dick W. Excuse sir, am I on the right road for London They say the streets there are paved with gold! (They peer at him)

Prince: You mean London, England?

Alf: I don't know about gold, I once trod in some ...

Prince: (Desperately) It's that way.

Dick: Thank you kind sirs, I'm off to make my fortune.

Prince: That's all anyone cares about these days, I don't know what the world is coming to .

Alf (Peering at a mysterious figure on the road) Sire this looks a bit more promising.

Prince: You could be right, hello mysterious stranger what do you have for two brave young fellows seeking romance and adventure?

Stranger: Beans young sir.

Prince: Beans! I just don't believe it! I'm beginning to think I should have stayed in bed this morning.

Stranger: (To their retreating backs) But sir they are magic beans .. they oh what's the point. hang on who's this coming? A young lad ... and a cow, well you never know your luck.

Prince: I've had enough of this, let's sit down next to this lily pond. (As they sit down the hedge of thorns forms up behind them) Funny, (thoughtfully) this pond reminds of a girl I once knew, what was her name?
Alf: Sire, there's a frog swimming around in here and he seems to be trying to attract our attention,

Prince: A frog did you say, why don't you try talking to it? (Alf looks round warily) What's the matter?

Alf: Just checking there's no scientists around.
(He picks up the frog shakes it and holds it to his ear)
He says he is the lineal descendant of an amphibian designated Clive and that he is privy to an occult Conundrum of great and most pressing import.

Prince: Eh?

Alf: That's just the way frogs talk sire, they're worse than scientists!

Prince: Yes but what does it mean?

AIf: He wants to tell us a secret. (He listens to the frog) Yes, no, no yes, no, yes, yes, no no yes. Well, I think I got a crossed line sire, there was someone asking if I'd recorded Eastenders, but the frog did say that there was a beautiful princess sleeping a sleep of enchantment waiting for a handsome prince to come along and wake her with a kiss. some where over there.
(He waves vaguely)

Prince: (Getting up) Right

Alf: On the other side of that impenetrable hedge of thorns.

Prince: Right

Alf: Beyond an impassable wall of flame.

Prince: Right

Alf: Over an uncrossable watery moat full of monsters but its OK for someone like you who is pure at heart and as brave as a lion.

Prince: Yes?

Alf: And who has never driven a Toyota or drunk Tesco's own brand Cola.

Prince: Right. Well I'd better get on with it then.
(The prince fights his way part the various obstacles and ends lip outside the palace. The Good Fairies arrive tired and out of breath. Prince bends down)
That's funny someone's thrown away a bunch of keys Let's see if any of them will open the front door. (They do so and walk in)



SCENE 11 - BACK IN THE PALACE

(Looking at the sleeping Beauty)

Prince: Well, here she is, um where do you think I ought to kiss her?

Alf: The frog didn't say sire, try her hand.

(The prince kisses her hand and she and the rest of the court slowly awake) .

King: Come on down to the ballroom and we can start the party (Notices the prince) Eh! Where did you pop up from?

Prince: Your majesty, I am the brave and handsome prince who has rescued you and your family from the bad Fairy’s curse that Beauty should prick her self on a spindle and you should all sleep for a hundred years.

Alf: (Poking him the ribs) Where did you learn that?

Prince: Oh, I read it in a book somewhere .

Queen: I remember now, we were cursed to sleep for a hundred years?

Prince: Yes.

Queen: And a hundred years has passed?

Prince: Er... Yes.

Queen: Well, it wasn't much of a rescue was it? I mean if you dropped by after six months or even a year or two

Beauty: (There is a howl from Beauty) But that means I'm one hundred and sixteen years old! Nobody loves you when you're old and wrinkly ...

Scientist:(Getting up to speak) It's a well known scientific fact that.. .. (The guards grab him straight away)
 
Prince: There, there my dear, I've nothing else to do this afternoon why don't we get married?

(Everyone cheers)

King: Actually it's a great idea, we've got everything set up for the party anyway, think of the money we'll save. (Loudly) Come on everyone, let's get ready for the party. (Exit all except the Fairies)



Bad Fairy: Look I'm fed up of being the bad fairy, I get nothing but boos and hisses and I really need to bathe my feet you know.

1st. Fairy: Fair enough, but we need someone to take over, there's got to be one bad fairy. (They look around and see Mavis creeping away)

All: Mavis! (They exit chasing her)

(Enter Narrator and postman)

Narrator: So basically it all ended happily?

Postman: I guess so, of course the chef got his own TV programme The ex-bad fairy got a bath and Rose had a kick in the ... well anyway, she can't sit down.

Narrator: Just one question, how did you manage to eat fourteen helpings of liver and octopus pie with custard?

Postman: Well that was all part of my cunning plan, I hadn't touched the stuff but I needed an excuse to interrupt the bad fairy at just the right moment.

Narrator: But how did you know ... never mind I suppose that even postmen have to have their secrets?

Postman: That's right.

Narrator: So I guess that you are the real hero of the show.

Postman: All part of the service, anyway I must get on the road, the mail is a hundred years late, I ought to go and deliver it, bye .

Narrator: Bye. Ah, here come the others, it’s party time!

(The whole court enters with music singing and dance)

The King: Well, that about wraps it lip for tonight, funny thing though, I don't feel at all sleepy.


(All bow and exit)