Scene One - Somewhere in the Desert

[Enter Aladdin and his best friend Alibaba, a veiled figure stands off to one side]

Alibaba: So you see Aladdin, given all the current economic indicators it's vital that we reconsider the option to jleave the EU as soon as possible.

Aladdin: Oh ... now I see, I think [Spies figure] Who is that?

Widow Twanky: [As if suddenly remembering who she was.] Washing, washing, get your washing done here. Any washing wanted?

Aladdin: [Cautiously] Hello old washer woman, what do you want?

Widow Twanky: [Puzzled] Er .. I want washing, I'm a washer woman, washing is what' I do.

Aladdin: No, I'm sorry. not today thank you, I've nothing that needs washing. [Turns to go]

Widow Twanky: Your pants.

Aladdin: I beg your pardon?

Widow Twanky: Your pants, they need washing.

Aladdin :That's amazing! [He goes over to her confidentially] How did you know?

Widow Twanky : Unveiling] Aladdin, it's me, I'm your mother. Who's your friend?

Aladdin: This is Alibaba, Alibaba this is my mother [muffled] Twanky

Alibaba Did you say hanky?

Aladdin: [Still muffled] Twanky.

Alibaba: Panky?

Aladdin I said Twanky, Twanky, Twanky [Slightly hysterical]

Alibaba : Oh, Twanky! Like the prime minister.

Aladdin: The prime minister?

Alibaba :Yes, Twanky May, I think they changed it before the last election to something weird like ... Teresa. [Aladdin just looks at him slightly stunned, Alibaba turns back to Widow Twanky]  So you’re a washer woman?

Widow Twanky: [Suspiciously] Yes?
 
Alibaba: We're in the middle of the desert.

Widow Twanky: [Looking round] Yes?

Alibaba: So where do you get the water from?
 
[Widow Twanky goes off and comes back on with a hose pipe, teases audience.)

Aladdin What's the other end connected to?

Widow Twanky: It's fastened to a tap round the back of a village hall in a village called ( insert local reference for example: er… Cropredy .... near a small town ..... called Banbury..... in Oxfordshire ..... in England.)

Alibaba: [Busily calculating] But that's five and a half thousand kilometres away!

Widow Twanky: No problem.

Alibaba: No problem?!

Widow Twanky: Well ... except for the fact that (insert local reference ) ends up with a water bill for £11,743 and once the tap is on it takes about fourteen days for the water to get here. I'm expecting it to arrive next Wednesday [Inspects end of hose]

Alibaba: But how do you turn the tap on?

Aladdin: [Who has been growing increasingly impatient interrupts him]
Oh come on, we can't stand around here all day chatting, we've got to go and find wicked uncle Abenazer in the bazaar to see if he'll help develop your wonderful invention, bye Ma. [They exit]

Widow Twanky: [Absently] Bye. [Still looking at hose pipe] ... or was it Tuesday? [Exit]

Scene Two - In the Sultan's Palace

[Enter Princess Jasmine and her cousin recently arrived from England lugging heavy suitcase]
Jasmine: Smiling sweetly] So Cousin dear you've just arrived? 

Cousin Kate: [Looks at suitcase] Yes Princess Jasmine.

Jasmine And you're going to be staying with us for a few weeks?
 
Cousin Kate: [Looks at suitcase again] Yes Princess.

Jasmine: [Wandering about] And did you have a pleasant journey?
 
Cousin Kate: [Sweating to keep up] Yes

Jasmine: You are living in England now?

Cousin Kate: [Puffing and panting] Yes, (Insert local reference) , you remember

Jasmine: Isn't that where Widow Twanky gets her ... no doesn't matter [Seats herself on Kate's suitcase]. And do you not have any luggage?

Cousin Kate: You're sitting on it!

Jasmine: Sitting on what?

Cousin Kate: My luggage!

Jasmine: [Just a touch impatiently] I didn't think you'd bought any. Anyway that's enough about your luggage problems ... what about me and my problems?

Cousin Kate: [Looking around in amazement] Problems? But you're a princess living in a beautiful palace, you can't have problems.

Jasmine: Dear cousin. I just can't tell you, choosing which slave to run my bath, trying to decide which of my pretty little golden slippers to wear, having to make up my mind whether to have one lump of Turkish Delight or Two ... Oh and my father the Sultan is going to have me executed unless I marry wicked Uncle Abenazer.

Cousin Kate: What! That's terrible. We don't do that kind of thing in (Insert local reference) ... well l don't think we do. Besides, you can't marry your wicked uncle.

Jasmine: No, that's just a pet name.

Cousin Kate: What 'uncle'?

Jasmine: No 'wicked', and that's the best thing about him.

Cousin Kate: But why do you have to marry him?

Jasmine: Well my father the Sultan is always borrowing money from him and my mother the Sultana is always spending it, now he says that if I don't marry him he'll put up interest rates.

Cousin Kate: Have you thought about restructuring the debt by selling options on the sub prime market?

Jasmine: Sorry?

Cousin Kate: Forget it.


[A whistle blows and the guards enter in football kit. }


 Cousin Kate: Who's that?

Jasmine: Oh that's Al... (Add topical/local name), Captain of the guard.

Cousin Kate: Aren't they supposed to be armed with swords and things and um well stand around guarding things?

Jasmine: Well they tried that but they got terribly bored with all the standing around so they formed themselves into a football team.

Cousin Kate: Are they any good?

Jasmine: Brilliant.

Cousin Kate: Really?

Jasmine: Well no, actually they're useless. Last week they got beaten by a team of three old men, two goats and a blind came!, Chelsea ( or any other team currently in the news) I think they were called.
Watch them training

DANCE/ MUSIC/ SONG  INTERLUDE

Captain: [Suddenly blowing his whistle]

Make way for their highest highnesses. [The guards get into line.]

Jasmine: Oh no, it's mum and dad, here they come now.

[Enter the Sultan and Sultana with Abenazer slinking behind carrying a bag of money and a jewel case. The girls curtsy]

Sultan: Ah, Jasmine, there you are, and this must be your cousin. [ Quietly to cousin] Er .. you couldn't lend us ten silver pieces until next Wednesday could you, I've er some washing to pay for and I ...

Jasmine: Father! How could you?

Abenazer: [Stepping forward] Your majestic greatness, radiant moon of travellers, father of a thousand camels, perhaps I can help. Shall we say fifty pieces of silver, usual terms?

Sultan: Ah Abenazer you're too kind. [Accepts a bag of money, the Sultana neatly removes it from him. The Sultan turns away to talk to Jasmine]

Abenazer: [Turns to the Sultana] Ah ... Queen of the East, shining star of delight, whose beauty is unimaginable. I have here a rare and fine piece of jewellery, fit only for royalty and on sale for a very reasonable 50 pieces of silver.

Sultana: Oh, its gorgeous, I must have it. How much did you say?

Abenazer: That much. [Removes the bag almost as neatly and hands over the necklace. Turns back to Sultan] By the way, you remember the 50 pieces of silver I leant you?
 
Sultan: [Distracted] Yes
Abenazer: You could start paying be back right away, avoid unnecessary interest charges. That necklace your wife is wearing that's worth ooh, 25 silver pieces. I'll send someone round to collect it later. that way you'll only owe me the other 25. [Starts to exit rubbing his hands gleefully]

Sultan: [Confused] Um .. yes, right, fine.

Cousin Kate: [Who has been watching all this grabs Jasmine's elbow] Did you see, did you see that?
[Abenazer pushes past her and steps on her foot.]

Abenazer: Oh, sorry my dear, that’s what we call the credit crunch.

Cousin Kate: [When she has recovered} That was fraud, he just tricked you out of 100 silver pieces!

Jasmine: Yes it happens all the time, he calls it quantitative easing and if we don't find some money of our own pretty soon I'm going to have to marry him or there’ll be another credit crunch! [Sobs]

[Exits with cousin's arm round her followed by Sultan and Sultana arguing about necklace]


Scene 3 - In the .Bazaar

[Enter Aladdin and Alibaba.]

DANCE/ MUSIC/ SONG  INTERLUDE 

Alibaba: Where does this wicked uncle of yours live?

Aladdin: He’s not my wicked uncle, it’s just a pet name.

Alibaba: What uncle? 

Aladdin: No 'wicked' and that's the best thing about him.

[Enter Joseph plus coat]

Joseph: Ah sir, you look someone who appreciates a fine bit of tailoring. Now looks at this. [He unfolds coat of many colours]
Isn't this magnificent and I'm prepared to sell it to you for just two pieces of silver.


Aladdin: Well it is rather fine, it must be worth more than that.

Joseph: Alright three

Aladdin: Four

Joseph: Five

Aladdin: Six

Joseph: Sold for six pieces of silver.

Aladdin: [Fumbling for his purse] But I didn't, I mean I, oh never mind, hand it over.

Joseph: [Looking very relieved] Phew, what a relief, well I'm off. If you should happen to bump into a couple of fellows called Rice and Lloyd Webber you've not seen me, right?

Alibaba: What a strange fellow, still it is a fine coat, put it on.


[ As soon as Aladdin does a hummed chorus of "Any Dream Will Do” breaks out. He whips it off and the music stops. He puts it on and it starts again.]

Aladdin: [Handing it to Alibaba] Here, you try it on. [Nothing happens]
Nothing's happened, why? [Uncertainly]Why not? Why?

Alibaba: I think ... it's because I'm not the hero of this story. [Aladdin looks at him very hard]

Er ... it's the plot... or something [weakly] [Aladdin is still staring at him hard]

Well let's go and find your wicked uncle shall we?


Aladdin:  He's not my wicked uncle it's just...

Alibaba: I know, I know


[They arrive at Abenazer's place, Alfetchit is on guard.]


Aladdin: This is the place.[Alibaba knocks without looking on Alfetchit's forehead, it sounds hollow.]

Alibaba : That was a bad idea. This is Alfetchit. Abenazer's number one gofer.

Aladdin: I'm sorry, [brushes him off] I didn't see you lurking there. Tell your master that the great Alibaba is here with a new wash day concept that'll knock his socks off.

Alfetchit: No

Alibaba: Sorry, come again

Alfetchit: No, not now, not later, not ever, never

Alibaba: Look you can't stand in the way of progress like this. I'm going to count to er ... [Alfetchit brings a large sword out] twelve thousand and then we're coming in.

Alfetchit: Push Off, poo brain!

[ They look wide eyed at each other and then at the audience]

Aladdin: Is he allowed to say that?

Alibaba: I don't know, hang on I'll see what the script says [Fetches the script]
Yes its all down here.

Aladdin: Hang on does it say how we get in?

Alibaba: [Turning the page] Oh! Ah! Don't like the sound of this.


Aladdin: Lets have a look at this ... [Reads]
Well according to this we have to push past him, fight three guards, break down a door with our bare hands, crawl through a barrier of thorns, swim across a pool of crocodiles and promise to pay off the national debt by 2021.
[They shake their heads] Phew! Hang on, I've got a brilliant idea!

Alibaba: What?

Aladdin: Simple, just turn to the next page of the script.

[Exit Alfetchit, enter Abenazer]


Abenazer : Well. hello boys, I can see that you've had trouble getting in, how did you get on with the crocodiles and the .... [Falters as he examines them.]

Aladdin: Hello wicked uncle

Abenazer : I'm not your uncle it's just..

Alibaba: Whatever, look my name is Alibaba and I've brought something to show you. [ Pulls out a set of plans] Look at this, here is a labour saving device that will revolutionise the lives of millions of washerwomen across the world.
Abenazer [Turning the plan round] It's a basket.

Alibaba: I know, you put all the dirty clothes in it, keep them there for a week then .... and this is the killer, you do all the washing at once! Six wash free days.

Aladdin: I, er .. don't think my mother's going to like this.

Alibaba: [Carrying on oblivious] I thought I'd name it after myself.

Abenazer: What an Alibaba basket?

Alibaba: No, that's stupid, who'd buy one of those, I'm going to call it a Hoover, that's my middle name,

Abenazer: [Who has been busily scheming]
Well boys, it's a brilliant idea and I think I can help you but first I'I! have to meet with my technical team, discuss specifications, float a bit of venture capital, that kind of thing, you know, [They nod vigorously]
Why don't you wait over there,

[They go and sit down and talk amongst themselves. Abenazer talks to the audience]

Now after all these years my plans are nearly complete, I have wealth, fame, power, I'm going to marry the princess Jasmine, The only thing I lack is my true heart's desire, something I've wanted all my life, a Nintendo Wii Fit Balance Board!*

[* or whatever current year’s Christmas ‘must have’ gadget is.]

No, you just can't get them round here, I've tried all the shops but now I have got my hands on a map which shows a cave, in the cave amongst a pile of treasure is an old lamp, rub the lamp and the genie will appear to do my every bidding. If he can't get me a Nintendo Wii Fit Balance Board nobody can! These innocent fools can help me on my quest.

Now the map where is it?  I'll call Alfetchit to fetch it for me,

Alfetchit!

[Enter Alfetchit]

Ah, Alfetchit, the map Alfetchit fetch it,

Alfetchit: Yes O' master, the map, I'll fetch it,

Abenazer:  Yes, fetch it, Alfetchit

[Alfetchit returns with the map]


Abenazer: Now boys come and take a look at this. I've thought of just the place to set up a new factory to make your basket, We probably need to make· a site visit first then we can get on with applying for development grants, planning permission that sort of thing, you know.
[They nod vigorously but still uncomprehendingly] Right I'll meet you at the oasis North of town tomorrow morning and we'll go and take a look.


Scene 4 Widow Twanky's Washing Emporium

DANCE/ MUSIC/ SONG  INTERLUDE


Widow Twanky: [Widow Twanky stands looking at the end of the hose pipe,]  What day is it?
Washer Woman: It's Wednesday,

[A jet of water appears from the hose pipe, Widow Twanky starts to fill a large bowl with suds]

Anyway, have you heard the news, it's terrible, that idiot friend of that good for nothing son of yours is all set to ruin us!

He's invented this thing called a Hoover to keep dirty clothes in so you only need to wash once a week! Alibaba! Alinitwit more like!

Widow Twanky: That's terrible, he'll put all us washerwomen out of business.

Washer Woman: That’s what I said, Here he comes now, let's teach him a lesson,

[Enter Aladdin and Alibaba still looking at the basket plan]

Aladdin: Evening Ma, evening Mrs. Other Washer Woman

Alibaba: Evening all.

Washer Woman: There he is! Let's get him!
[There then follows a chase sequence involving much falling over and sloshing about of suds, Finally they grab Alibaba and duck him, he comes up spluttering.]

Widow Twanky : Next time we'll keep you under unless you promise to ditch this ridiculous Hoover idea,

Alibaba: [Spluttering] But, but Just listen I". [They start to duck him again.]

Aladdin: Let him go ma, listen to what he's got to say,

[Grudgingly they do so.]

Alibaba: Listen, now OK, it's the end of the daily wash as we know it but think of the new opportunities,

Widow Twanky: Opportunities?

Alibaba: Soap Powder for example.

Widow Twanky: Soap powder?

Alibaba: Look, what do you wash clothes in at the moment?

Widow Twanky: Well…  there's um…water and then um .. [defensively] er camel pee,

[Alibaba looks disgusted]

It brings the whites up a treat,

Aladdin: Pity about the smell though,

Alibaba: Anyway that's not going to be good enough for a weekly wash, you need something stronger,

Widow Twanky: Stronger than camel pee?

Alibaba: You need soap powder, look we'll name it after you.

[Produces brightly labelled packet] Twanky!

Watch. [Goes into little routine] Tired of the daily wash? Tired of wash day hands? Tired of rubbing?
Tired of scrubbing? Tired of following camels around with a jar?
I was, until I discovered new miracle Twanky!

[Everyone looks stunned]

Widow Twanky: [Recovering fast] So what's in it for us?

Alibaba: Simple, I'll sell the packets to you for say… 1 silver piece each and you sell them to your customers for um .. 3 silver pieces, You make 2 silver pieces on every packet!

Aladdin: That's outrageous! It's .. , it's .. ,

Widow Twanky: It's profit and we love it. [Shakes hands with Alibaba] You've got a deal.

[All exit deep in conversation followed by Aladdin shaking his head, sadder but wiser.]


Scene Five – Back at the Palace

[Enter Jasmine and her cousin]

Jasmine: So you see cousin dear we had a competition for all of most beautiful girls in the kingdom to see who had the finest voice – we called it the ‘A’ factor, and I won, then the next week we had another competition called the ‘B’ factor and I won again, it was very exciting! Then there was the ‘C’ factor..

Cousin Kate: Don’t tell me you won that one too?

Jasmine: Yes I’m very, very good and I don’t think the other girls were at all put off by the big swords my father’s guards carry. Then there was the ‘D’ Factor and the ‘E’ Factor and the ‘F’ factor…

Cousin Kate: Don’t tell me, you won them all.

Jasmine: [Brightly] How did you guess? Anyway, now we are on to the ‘X’ Factor and nobody wants to join in with me.

Cousin Kate: [Uncertainly as the truth dawns] And now you want me to enter? The ‘X’ Factor?
Don’t worry we haven’t cut off anybody’s head since oo, last Tuesday.
Look everyone’s here [pointing to the audience.] We can start right away – I’ll go first.

[Jasmine sings first, beautifully of course, there is much applause.]

There, now it’s your turn.

[Before the cousin can start to sing the Princess picks up a huge sword and swings it casually just next to her. The cousin makes repeated attempts to start but is too nervous to get a note out.]

[Prettily] Oh, what a shame, you weren’t able to finish your song. That means I’m the winner. [To the audience.] Come back next week when I’m going head to head with three singing camels in the ‘Y’ Factor.

DANCE/ MUSIC/ SONG  INTERLUDE


Scene Six - An Oasis just outside town

[Enter Abenazer, Aladdin and Alibaba]

Abenazer: So you can see that the exchange rate mechanism coupled with a Two tier approach to lending will really give exports a big boost, maximising profits and ensuring your place as a global player in the key sectors of production and distribution,

[Alibaba hangs on his every word, Aladdin follows behind looking bored,]

Anyway, this is where I thought we would build the factory. There are some caves over there, they'll make an excellent storage facility. I had one of my surveyors check them out last week, [Turns to Aladdin]

Oh, by the way, he left his lamp down in the cave, be a good chap and pop in and get it would you. I'd go myself but the old back's a bit bad at the moment

Aladdin; [Aladdin is instantly suspicious] Why can't Alibaba fetch it?

Abenazer: Er .. He's afraid of heights
 
Alibaba: Go on Aladdin we've got business to do

Aladdin: Alright them, [Turns to cave] 

Abenazer ; You can't miss it, it's made of solid gold, encrusted with gems and. beautifully carved with curious runes.

Aladdin: It's a bit of a tight squeeze here, hang on, I can’t get in , there’s key pad! Anyone know the code?

Someone from the back of the hall.] 4378921.. 563… 5674… 21

Aladdin; Thanks. There's a lot of er… treasure lying about in here but I can't see a gold lamp encrusted with gems and beautifully carved with curious prunes,

Abenazer; Runes

Aladdin: [Lots of banging about and crashing noises] Ah ... I've got it
[Emerges holding up a jam jar] It er…  looks like a jam jar

[Sniffs it suspiciously]

This can't be right, hang on,

Abenazer: Look it’s the best we could afford, the ( Insert name of drama group) aren’t made of money you know

Aladdin: Right er… behold the golden lamp encrusted with gems and beautifully carved with curious tunes,

Abenazer: Runes, now give it to me.

Aladdin: [Offended] Say please,

Abenazer: Just hand it over!

Aladdin: Pretty please, 

Abenazer: Alfetchit, you fetch it then break his arms off!

Alfetchit: Give it here dung face!

Aladdin: Shan't

Alfetchit: ShaII.

[They struggle then Aladdin falls back into the cave, there is a great crashing of rocks.]

Alibaba: Oops.. The roof of the cave has fallen in, The entrance is sealed for all, eternity. My poor friend Aladdin is trapped deep below ground where he will slowly, oh so slowly, starve to death!

Abenazer: Drat, drat, drat, drat! [Turns to Alibaba ]

You would nit be interested in importing Nintendo Wii Fit Balance Boards would you?

Alibaba: Pity about Aladdin, still business is business, Where do I get some?

[Exit Abenazer, and Alibaba]

And what exactly is a rune?

[After a few moments Aladdin appears brushing dust off himself]

Aladdin: Phew, lucky there was a back way out of the cave…
Oh, they've gone, and taken the camels with them, How am I going to get back to town,
Ugh! It was dusty in there, I need a drink, I’ll just wipe this jar clean and get a drink from the oasis,
You never know, perhaps a great and mysterious spirit of the magic er… jar, a genie, might appear to me in all its terrible might and power!

[Rubs the jar, Looks around expectantly, genie appears from back, walks over and taps him on the shoulder]

Genie: It is I the genius of the jar. [With a strong accent]

Aladdin: You're not from round here are you, Besides, you a genius, come off it

Genie Look, No, no, no, I'm a genuine genius. Go on ask me a question, any question go on,

Aladdin Right If it takes three men seven and a half hours to dig a trench Two metres long in a pool of cold custard using only golf clubs how old am I?

Genie 22!

Aladdin That's amazing, how did you work it out?

Genie Well I've got a brother who's 11 and he's only half as daft as you are,

Aladdin That's all very well but I was expecting a genie not a genius

Genie: Yes, well spelling's not my strong point now come on your wish is my command, Where are we off to?

Aladdin: Well as you're offering, is a lift into town too much to ask for? There's something funny going on and I want to find out what.

Genie: OK, this way.

Aladdin: I'm sorry?

Genie: We walk, this way.

Aladdin: But I thought we were going to have magic carpets and that sort of thing, I'm sure it said in the script.

Genie:  Sure, it was going to be brilliant with this carpet, on wires flying round the hall but she [nodding towards stage manager/director] said it was going to be too expensive,

Aladdin: Huh! typical, well come on we'd best walk,

Genie: By the way, what do you call a camel with three humps?

[The Audience roars, "Humphrey!" Aladdin and the Genie look around puzzled.]

Aladdin: I've no idea,

Genie: Me neither,


Scene 7 - Back at the Palace Again

[Enter Princess Jasmine and Cousin Kate,]

Jasmine: Anyway, the wedding to Abenazer is set for a week next Saturday unless I can find a young handsome, rich, intelligent prince. Oh, did I say he had to be rich. It's either that or loose my head. Hard to choose really.

Cousin Kate: [Disbelieving] Hard to choose!

Jasmine: [Resignedly] You've met Abenazer.

Cousin Kate: Hard to choose,

Jasmine: [Wistfully] One day my prince will come.
[There is a knocking at the door]
Captain of the Guard, see who is there,

[ The captain smartly dribbles a ball to the door]

Captain: Who's there?

Aladdin AI.

Captain: AI who?

Aladdin AI tell you if you open the door,

Captain: Right ho !

[ Opens door]

Aladdin: We want to see the Sultan, there's something funny going on involving wicked uncle Abenazer,

Captain: Is he really your uncle?

Aladdin: He's not my wicked uncle, it's just a pet name,

Captain: What uncle?

Aladdin: No 'wicked' and that's the best…

Genie: Don't you think that's a bit thin for a running gag?

Captain: You're not from round here are you?

Genie: [Exasperated] Not another one!
 
[Princess Jasmine floats over, Aladdin sees her coming.]

Aladdin: Wow! Look at her, she's gorgeous, [Fails to his knees]
Princess, you're beautiful

Jasmine: I know, I take after my mother, [Turns to Cousin Kate]
And who is this scrofulous piece of stinking gutter slime?

Genie: I think she likes you.

Captain: Princess, this is the son of Widow Twanky, the washerwoman,

Jasmine: Well he looks like he could do with a good wash, Cousin Kate, see what his business is then throw him out, no better than that throw him out first!

[Cousin Kate shrugging reluctantly ushers Aladdin out who is in a dream]

Cousin Kate: Who was that?

Jasmine: Who was what?

Cousin Kate: At the door just now?

Jasmine: I've forgotten, now where am I going to find a prince to marry before next Saturday week, did I say he had to be rich?

[Enter Sultana)

Sultana: Ah, there you are dear, any sign of a rich prince yet?

Jasmine: No luck yet.

Sultana: Still let’s look on the bright side. If you do have your head chopped off well you won't need all your necklaces will you?

Jasmine: Mother!

Sultana: I mean… well, there'll be nowhere to put them,,, really."

Jasmine: Mother!!

Sultana: I only asked.
[Struck by a thought]
Then of course there's ail your clothes ... I'll have to have them altered but ...

Jasmine: Mother!!!

Sultana : Alright, alright, there’s no need to loose your head. Oh er". sorry,

Anyway um chin up, and er ... keep smiling

I think I'll go and do some chopping .. I'm sorry I meant shopping" Bye.

[Exit Sultana]


Scene 8 Outside Palace

Aladdin: [Walking round bumping into things] Ah. I think I'm in love.

Genie: What with that snotty princess?

Aladdin: One more word from you and it's back in the jar, do something useful, get me married to the Princess.

Genie: Is that all, hang on a minute, give us the jar, I've got just the thing in here,

[Rummages about in jar,]

Aladdin: Come on, come on, what's taking you so long.

Genie: It's a bit untidy in here, you know how messy things can get when you're living in a jar century after century. Ah, here it is!

Aladdin: What?

Genie: A magic spell which makes everyone who looks at you see a young, handsome, rich, intelligent prince, while all the time it's really just you. By the way did I say rich?

Aladdin: [Suspiciously] So I don't really change at all?

Genie: Well, not as such,

Aladdin: [Even more suspiciously] You're sure this is not just another cheap trick to save money on costumes?

[Genie shrugs as if to say, "What can I do?" Applies magic spell.]

Genie: Come on you look like a million silver pieces now, let's try again,

[They knock once more]

Captain: Who's there?

Aladdin: AI.

captain: AI who?

Aladdin: AI have your head on a plate if you don't open the door.

Captain: Oh no you won't.

Aladdin: Oh yes I will

[Repeated ad lib]

Captain: Oh, alright come in then. [She catches sight of him] Your magnificence! I didn't know it was someone important, a thousand apologies for keeping you waiting,

[The princess comes over]

Jasmine: Who is it his time? Tell them to…  [sees Aladdin] Ooh!
Genie: To Aladdin] See it's working.

[The Sultan and Sultana enter.]

Sultan:  Hello, You look a little bit like"… what's his name? Ah. Aladdin, Widow Twanky's son,

Sultana: [Pushing in] Don't be ridiculous, any idiot can see that this young, handsome, rich, intelligent, rich young man can't be a washerwoman's son,
[Eyes him up]
I wouldn't mind marrying him myself. [Sultan coughs]
If I er .. weren't married already.
Who is this?

[Smiles sweetly at Sultan then looks daggers when his back is turned,]

Genie: Presenting his most wonderful majesty er… Hamlet, prince of Denmark,

Aladdin: [Scornfully turning to Genie] Hamlet?

Jasmine: Oh…  Hamlet, what a beautiful name so young so handsome, so rich, so intelligent, [ Doubtful for a moment] You are rich aren't you?

Aladdin: [Nodding rapidly] Oh er yes, very very very,

Jasmine; Will you marry me? Of course you will, you must meet my parents.

[She brings them over.]

Mummy, Daddy meet, what did you say your name was? Never mind, He's very very rich!

Sultan: Well my boy, you're very welcome, stay for dinner and you can tell me all about your money,

[All exit with Cousin Kate walking with Genie]

Cousin Kate: You're not from round here are you? [Genie looks exasperated]


Scene 9 The Washing Emporium

[Enter Widow Twanky ]

Widow Twanky : I need to get things straight, the boys will be here in a minute with Wicked uncle Abenazer .....
[She waits expectantly for a moment but nothing happens.] ... to talk about launching the new soap powder.

[They start to tidy up loads of clothes, Holding up corset]

Who does this belong to?

[Selects member of audience and looks at them knowingly.]
Oh.

[There is a knock, enter Alibaba, Abenazer and Alfetchit] 

Widow Twanky: Hello there, where's Aladdin? [Alibaba looks uncomfortable]

Alibaba: He's got um, a lot on at the moment,

Abenazer: [Gleefully to the audience] About forty thousand tonnes of rock actually,

Alibaba: Anyway down to business, now this is what we plan to do .. "

Widow Twanky: [Suspiciously] That's all very well but where's Aladdin?

Alibaba: I told you he's got held up

Abenazer:  [To the audience] More like held down!

Widow Twanky: Alibaba, you know something about this, what's going on?

[ Alibaba is saved from answering by the arrival of the second washerwoman]

Washer Woman: Have you heard, there's a new prince on the block, he just appeared out of nowhere and he's fabulously rich and he's going to marry the princess!

Abenazer: What! Alfetchit come here. [They gather in a corner] I don't like the sound of this, I'm going to the palace to check it out, the old woman is getting suspicious and besides, she's too tall,

Alfetchit: Too tall master?

Abenazer:  Yes by about this much. [He indicates a head size, Alfetchit nods knowingly, Alibaba is listening from a distance, Abenazer turns back to the others]

I've er got to rush, urgent business at the palace, [Exits followed by Alfetchit who is followed by a worried looking Alibaba]

Widow Twanky: Rush, rush, rush. I hope things will settle down a bit once the markets in the Far east have stabilised.

[The other women go off about their business. Alfetchit creeps back with upraised sword for "He's behind you" episode, Alibaba returns to save Widow Twanky, they dispose of Alfetchit by wrapping him in sheets and finish him off by putting a pair of pants over his head!]


Alibaba: I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Aladdin is trapped in a cave in the desert and Abenazer is planning some mischief at the palace.

Widow Twanky: We’ll see about that, come on, to the palace,


Scene 10 - Back at the Sultan's Palace

[Enter Aladdin carrying jar and the Genie who is taking notes on a clipboard ]

…and a couple of palaces, no make that three, and a few Ferraris, can you get them in pink.? Had I mentioned a swimming pool? Then I really really need a Nintendo Wii Fit Balance Board.

[The Genie is scribbling frantically, Aladdin stops as if struck by a thought.]

Let me get this right, now I am the owner of the  magic er… jar, nobody can steal it from me?

Genie: That is right O master, it can only be given away.

Aladdin: Right, in that case.. Jasmine!

[The princess hurries in,] 

Jasmine: Ah, my darling Hamlet! [Aladdin stares at Genie who just shrugs]
 
Aladdin: Take this old jar will you dear and put it in the cupboard?

[She does so adoringly and exits]

Now where were we? A few sackfuls of diamonds, oh, and the latest Newcastle kit.

 [Exits with Genie still scribbling madly. Abenazer appears, he has been listening from back stage]

Abenazer: So… that spell does not fool me, it's that creep Aladdin, he's managed to unleash the power of the Genie... and the jar cannot be stolen, only given away. I feel a plan coming on, [Exits]
 

[Enter Jasmine and Cousin Kate]

Jasmine: Anyway, it's going to be a fabulous wedding, everyone's coming, I’m going to sing at the reception and…

Cousin Kate: [Interrupting] But you don't know him,

Jasmine: Sorry?

Cousin Kate: This Hamlet, what do you know about him?
 
Jasmine: Well ... he's very rich..

Cousin Kate: Yes but…

Abenazer: [Reappears in disguise] New jars for old! New jars for old!

Jasmine: What's going on? Go and see,

Cousin Kate: [Going over to look] It's some old peddler, offering new jars for old. It looks like they're filled with Strawberry Jam. I expect its some special offer from Altesco's.

Jasmine: Oh, I love Strawberry jam, hang on there's an old jar of Hamlet's somewhere out the back here, [She gets the jar] Here you are rather smelly old man, the Strawberry jam please.

[They exchange jars and Abenazer throws off his disguise]

Abenazer: Aha! Now I have you all in my power, [He rubs the jar] Genie of the um… jar appear!

[The genie comes rushing .in with Aladdin close behind. ]

Genie: O master, your wish is my command, [Turns to Aladdin] Sorry.

Abenazer: Right, first of all show everyone just who this is pretending to be a prince,

Genie: To hear is to obey O master,

[The Genie undoes the magic spell as the Sultan and Sultana and Widow Twanky and the Washerwoman all arrive]

Widow Twanky:[ Rushing to embrace him] Oh Aladdin! Aladdin!
What's that nasty man done to you?

Aladdin: O, mum… [Very embarrassed]

Widow Twanky: [Turning menacingly on Abenazer] Come on  let's scrag him!

Abenazer: Quick Genie, create a distraction so I can escape.

Right um... [Raises his arms dangerously, everyone pauses]

Widow Twanky: You’re not from round here are you?

Genie: What?

Widow Twanky: I said you’re not from round here are you?

Genie: Well no….

Widow Twanky: It’s just that I can’t place the accent – Welsh is it?

[Abenazer slips away, the Genie seeing him going follows after

Aladdin: Come on everybody, follow that Genie!



Scene 9 - In the Bazaar


[Enter Abenazer, all the people from the Market are bowing down to him, the Genie follows looking miserable, Abenazer settles himself down and stretches out playing with his gadget,]

Abenazer: Ah, this is more like it, a Nintendo Wii Fit Balance Board of my own, Genie more Turkish Delight

Genie: [Sulkily] To hear is to obey 0 master,

[Returns with huge crate marked "Turkish Delight" which he attempts to drop on Abenazer who unfortunately sees what he is doing, }

Abenazer: Ah ah, naughty,

[Enter Aladdin with everyone else in tow]

Ah more fools to be my unworthy slaves,

[They hurtle at him but bounce off an invisible barrier]

You see I have ordered the Genie to protect me from meddlers such as you, You are powerless,

Aladdin: I don't know about that [Trying to get at him] Hang on, I've got an idea, Alibaba, where's that funny multicoloured coat I bought?

Alibaba: It's round here somewhere [Hands it to Aladdin]

Aladdin: Right, let's see how you like this.

[Puts on coat, humming "Any Dream will do" starts]

Abenazer: What's that, oh no! Not Joseph! I hate Lloyd Webber musicals, Genie, make him stop it,
 
Genie: I'm afraid I can't o master, it has great and terrible magic of its own called show business, I am powerless against it.
 
Abenazer: Arrgh, stop it, [He has his hands over his ears, everyone else is looking pretty sick,]

Aladdin: Only if you hand over the jar.
 
Abenazer: Alright, alright have it [Aladdin takes up the jar]

Aladdin: Captain of the Guard, arrest him. [They take hold of Abenazer]
 
Widow Twanky: Just a mo. [She pulls out the front of Abenazer's trousers and pours soap powder down the goes a fetches the hosepipe which she also pushes down his trousers, Abenazer curls up",]

Aladdin: Well that's that, back to the palace,

Jasmine: [Slowly working it out] So you're not a prince?

Aladdin: Well not in the sense of royal .. er no.

Jasmine Well in that case I…

[Enter Joseph]

Joseph: Oh there you are, I thought I heard the coat.
Look you wouldn't be interested in selling it back to me would you, It's just that they've decided to film it, you know Hollywood, big budget megabucks and all that and I need the coat,

Alibaba: How much?

Joseph: Oo…shall we say five thousand pieces of silver? 

Alibaba: Say ten thousand.

Joseph: Fair enough, here you are

[Hands the bag to Alibaba, Aladdin takes the coat and hands it to Joseph then takes the money from Alibaba.]

Aladdin: Mine I think.

[Alibaba: [Hands the money over with a shrug. To Joseph] Did you say Hollywood? [Walks off arm in arm with him, Aladdin and the Genie look at each other and shrug],


Widow Twanky: [Taking the money] Now Aladdin, with that money I can start up a chain of launderettes across the country.

Aladdin: Yea, why not, come on, [Starts to leave]

Jasmine: Just a mo, what about me?

Widow Twanky: [Holding up the jar.] Well, well, well, look what I’ve got.

Right genie, this is how it’s going to be:

Aladdin marries Jasmine and they get their own TV series called “Come dancing with celebrity Pop Idols: Al and Jas”

Alibaba marries Cousin Kate [They look astonished.] They go back to England to become Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer, they can work it out over lunch. Sultan marries Sultana, hang on they’re married already, scrub that.
Abenazer gets to go and change into some dry clothes.

And everyone gets to live happily ever after


                  THE END